Rebellious is my middle name.


I refuse to continue this lie, to give myself away for the rest of time. I refuse to lay here in this grass, when the world around me shakes and my hands lose their grasp. No I won’t be shattered by the endless songs, for the only tune I’ll sing to is my own. Give me peace and solitude away from the light. Keep away all the shadows and bring on the stormy nights. I refuse to love with all my heart, to follow my dreams is all that I’ll take part. I refuse to stand here alone, as the seas rage and the wind blows. I’ll take hold of all I know. This is me in all I am, this is where I want to be. Never forced to take a step, nor restricted to stay. Freedom is a thought and nothing more these days but I’ll remain to fight for the one thing I can.

So I refuse to be what you see. I refuse to be anything other than me. Soft as the earth, hard as the moon. Bright as the stars and dark as the soul. I’ll stay where I am, and be forever on my own. I refuse to continue living how you want me to. I know I’m not the best, but I’m just fine how I’m rebellious now.

Outcast and still surviving.

I’m an outcast just trying to outlast the teasing. Thought that time would heal these wounds, but the pain isn’t easing. Squeezing every tear of mine, you trying to see how much can I stand. Everyone hits a point where they can take no more. A point that all can do is slam the door and hit the floor. Surviving is a hard task especially when the people hunting you love to bask in others pain. Nothing I do can block out the pain. I can feel my hope being drained, it feels as if I’ve been hit by a train. It’s inhumane the way people try to protect their domain. I know any tears I shed would be in vain. Going on with this life is hard to do with all the daily strife. I’m going to roll the dice twice and hope my heart won’t turn into ice. Sometimes the way you look at my face makes me feel like a disgrace. I know that there is no way to get out of this place. All that I am is an outcast trying to outlast my pain while staying sane.

Let life be.

I’ve seen the world with these two eyes. A movie played inside my mind. I’ve traveled the seas in half the time without ever leaving my home. I’ve spread my wings but didn’t fly. I’ve touched the heaven, but I didn’t die. Had the chance to ask God why without ever receiving an answer. I’ve counted the stars and made to ten, lost track and had to start over again. People laughed, but that’s how we make friends without knowing their names. I’ve cried like I would never smile and walked in darkness for half a mile. Saw the sun in the distance for a small while without ever feeling its rays. I’ve walked the beaches and tasted the breeze and there was a time that I’ve felt free. Touched my soul and let life be without any regrets to hold.

I’ve held the wonders of the earth and experienced the beauty since my birth. Moments made filled with mirth without spending a dime. I’ve faced my fears with a stern face and let them know that they knew their place. Life is mine to feel safe without worrying what’s beyond the corner. I’ve seen it all, yet know there’s more. Some steps I’ve relived before but I’ll keep walking across the road without knowing where each step falls. I know the danger, I know the cost. But I know my life is never lost. So I’ll keep living with my unknown cause, without asking for anything in return. I’ll gain some friends and some memories too. To myself I vow to be true. And I’ll push myself to make it through without giving myself the chance to fall.

This is life, it’s what you make it. Take it now, but please don’t break it. Life does not come with a life time guarantee. It’s yours to take without know what it will be.

You used me.

Eyes that stare burn my skin, I’m not myself anymore. Objectified, I am nothing just the toy left on the floor. In my case I gaze outside, now I know I don’t understand. I’ve been to the edge and fallen and now I’m just waiting to land. Hands that grab and hurt, empty things are fun to touch. I can only ignore the pain, because you think it doesn’t ache all that much. What do you know? I’ve been used.

No time left.

I’ve walked this path too long, I’ve seen the sun sets too many times and I’ve watched too many people leave. Each the night lasts longer, I see the path getting shorter. Wonder where my dreams went? One more time the sun sets, guess it doesn’t matter because there’s no time left.

Psychology, at its best.

I fear everything is real, that my darkest desires will soon come true. The mismatch of images and tattered thoughts, would be released to curse us all. A once innocent mind, though it has since been long forgotten. Grasping hold of purity with the last touch of dignity, whilst cruelly being pulled down to the horrors that lie beneath. No single thought aligning in harmony, yet partaking in a vicious battle of righteousness. Words refusing to explain their meaning, but it is blindingly obvious that they need a leader. The night and day soon become the same, good and evil easily confusingly themselves. Fragmentation at its deadliness where only one thins is certain; I don’t want to die alone.

Cure me.

Hiding myself, sealing away. Plaster a smile, like every day. A laugh to cover a tear, sleeves to cover the scars. Hating you seeing me like this, even more for giving a shit. Mask broken, pedestal crumbles. How will I survive the fall? Then you smile, so small. The pill to cure all.

Not on paper.

The thoughts that go through in my head, never reach paper. What I say on paper I say differently in my mind. The emotions I felt, can’t be expressed on paper. However, I feel as though it shouldn’t be. It should be expressed to one’s face, so they can see the expressions you have. The empty words of a paper, the vows of knowing that anyone can read what you say. Saying is better not to be said. If you trust a person to have the decision, whether or not you can tell them your secrets instead of writing them down on a wordless paper, then you should be confident enough in yourself to make that decision. Words on a paper mean nothing but words that were said aloud mean everything. Actions mean nothing only if expressed in the way you want them too. What’s written on paper is never what thoughts are. Thoughts are your own way of explaining to yourself or thinking inside the box instead outside of it. If you say your thoughts out loud they mean the world to someone. Putting your thoughts on paper where people will just run over it and don’t care. Paper means nothing if you can’t express what’s said in a voice.

Found.

I once was lost, but now I am found. You picked my soul up off the ground and turned my whole life around. Just when everything seemed like it was falling apart, you opened my eyes and touched my heart. Looked to the skies above, felt this thing called love. Never knew it was there or how good it could feel, what is this thing I don’t know how could it be real? Lost deep within your beautifully serene eyes, glowing radiantly like the perfect sunrise. An amazing smile I could never forget, meeting you is something I will never regret. Ecstasy I found in your loving arms, I knew that when you held me I could never be harmed. Now I ask myself how did it take so long? For me to finally find a place I could belong. So confused and I don’t know what to do, these cold walls inside need to be broken through. I once thought I had nothing to live for, deep within I waged a violent civil war. Now I realize I have something to protect, something to die for, a beauty I shall never forget. At one time these emotions lay dormant, before that fateful night and now they run rampant. I was a slave to myself and never knew it could be. After a life never lived, you have finally set me free.

Don’t confuse me beautiful.

You hurt me, I feel misused. Then you like me, now I’m confused. You’re addictive, you’ve gone to my head. And these feelings I hold for you are what I’ve come to dread. And yet I want to hold you, want to apologize. I want to be close to you and look into your eyes. I want to hate you because you make me cry. But I can’t, I’ll only forgive you and I don’t know why.

If I am still your friend..

My resolve is fading away through the roads of rage. And nothing ever feels the same remembering the ages of yesterday. I wonder if I am insane. When I hope you don’t find bliss before me so I don’t drawn even more on this pain. An egoist so hideous like me that would open the gates of flames just for the sake of forgetting everything. My points of view are wrong so it’s impossible for me to be nice and I know it’s not your fault though. I wish there was a way of making things right but life is so confusingly unfair. You don’t seem to understand me the same way I don’t understand myself. I don’t want to lose my integrity so I guess time will take me there. Understanding is not easy when I don’t know what are you thinking.

Bliss is hard to find when you don’t tell me. You don’t want me to instantly disappear. You want me to slowly vanish. Losing my memories seems so hard when you are ignoring me. My reason wants to run away from you so melancholy is not my option. Even tough somehow it feels good to know you are hurting me but I am afraid my pain will be in vain if you don’t care what I mean. Why are your dreams my nightmares? Why are your thoughts my insomnias? I think your problem is my hope. My hope is my inability to guess you. And I am hoping that you are a demon so I have a reason to kill my passion. Except that leaving soundless is as easy. And just making that simple question all you can do is show me emptiness. Still I wonder if you will cry when my eyes get filled with darkness. Still I wonder if you will mind when my mermaid leaves the ocean. Worry not, my heartbeat word won’t leave until your wonderland gate opens.

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY